Star Guy Five

Star Guy Five

 

How I got to be in the Army was I was standing in line for a three meat and cheese sandwich.  Trying to describe a good three meats and cheeses sandwich with words is impossible.  “We wants it”(in the voice of Smegal/Gollum) is all I have to say.  Describing the sensory task is a futile endeavor that can only fall short.  Obv.  There was another line right next to the line I was in for the sandwich I guess.  I mean I don’t guess.  This is an apparent fact.  I call it an apparent fact and not a fact because I don’t believe in facts.  I only believe in apparent facts.  Every fact has an appearance like a transparency and they are to differing degrees in their apparentness from each fact to each person.  I think there was even a quote about this.  “From each according to his fact, to each according to his apparent-cy”, or something like that.  It is an apparent fact that there was another line next to the sandwich line.  Supposedly.  When ever faced with apparent facts I will say to myself at the end of it, “Supposedly”.  Sometimes with a touch of smugness if I am feeling catty.  Which I am usually not.  I am usually in the grips of anxiety and the throes of depression and some major life crisis for icing on the cake which is nice because I really do love icing and I’m often slogging on with my next step waist to neck deep in shit problems no one could take on but myself through this son of a bitch we call life we are supposed to love all the time.  Well I don’t to be quite frank.  Meanwhile I’m talking to myself probably saying “I’ll show you, you son of a bitch!” with my hand punching the air passionately as some stranger at the Walmart says, “Sir are you alright?” & I reply “oh yes I am fine I was just thinking about something on my shopping list”, which is a total lie because I wasn’t thinking about something on my shopping list but was rather having an internal and external mental break down that has gone on since the dawn of time with myself and just happened at that moment to be caught participating in it out loud.  I then wander out of the isle trying to appear normal, or at least pretend my best with whatever ideas I have of what that might look like.  I probably hobble away like one of the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz while the flying monkey music plays outloud as well somehow as I seek empty isles of refuge where the war can continue on.

Anyways.  Sometimes I really do love life and during those times I’m usually feeling catty AF and will even talk shit and throw in some tough jokes if others are looking like they can handle it at the moment.  There is nothing as good as a properly timed tough joke when you are feeling catty that would any other time make you or another totally break down and weep in a corner like a little girly man.  You have to time it well & you’ll get a good laugh and they’ll probably say, “good one.” which makes it all worth it.  If you time it any other way but perfect you’re a total asshole but for the sake of humor you have to take your chances from time to time.  Anyways a supposed apparent fact is nothing to treat lightly and that’s the god’s honest truth.

I think it is important to always be open to new kinds of knowledge and remain open to others perspectives and views and truths even if they are different or in direct conflict with our own so that we may open up the channels of communication to begin to understand each other so we may get along better and appreciate each’s side and reveal our own bias and work against it while also helping in our community with children, minorities, elders and any of the struggling population while never losing sight of the larger goal of striving for world peace , global exploration & the elevation of the collective consciousness.  Is it Bias or Biasies? (One must admit if Biasies(phonetically Biaz-eez) is a word and correct pluralization it is a fun word to say.  One must also admit if the tense of “phonetically” doesn’t exist it should as well.  If one has got into the admitting business one must also admit they have many other things to admit to them self and perhaps to others too.  Admittedly) …

Anyhow.  While at the same time it is important for one to remain of a skeptical mind always on guard and keeper of the key at the gate of their mind, a little bit like a paranoid schizophrenic (it’s a fine line really) and take in everything they see and hear and learn with a grain of salt and remain skeptical until proof is validated in a series of irrefutable studies that have been published in a scholarly journal and peer validated and the chances for error has been all but eliminated, reduced and accounted for with scores of deviation to really bring home those findings.  It is preferable if all testing is done in some type of a vacuum with a control variable as well as this replicates real world applications none whatsoever.

I have this author friend who writes some good stuff sometimes but he thinks his writing is absolute shit but he doesn’t want it to be too good either.  So from time to time I read his stuff and tell him it’s not good but it’s not absolute shit and that cheers him up a great deal.  That really means something but I am not sure what.

They swore us in which I thought was weird but maybe this is one of those weird theme and activity restaurants so I go along with it.  People always ask me why I joined and it’s always hard to explain to them about my sandwich oath so that’s why I wanted to put it in a story like this one.  I am sure people join for all kinds of reasons and they always say that everything’s been done before but I’m pretty sure this was a new thing that had happened that day.  A sandwich oath is not something to take lightly I always say.  I know since then sandwich patriotism is dying and it saddens me deeply.

I am a bit of a foodie if you mean by foodie, raging-out-of-control -emotional-food-monster-black-hole in the face, then yeah, elegant sophisticated foodie right here (raised hand emoji next to happy-face emoji).  Picture Pac-Man gobbling his way up a mountainous avalanche of hamburgers, ice cream, kids cereal and everything in between while I also am pushing down kids with face palms to get more and trying to create some high score on an arcade machine that will flash with gluttonous pride all night long through the dark in an arcade that doesn’t exist except in the slovenly caverns and recesses of the deepest, darkest and saddest corners of my mind.  It’s impressive I know.  High Score.

Speaking of arcades there was this nickel arcade by my house growing up called Wunder land and the games only cost a nickel typically with a small entrance fee.  Sometimes girls will say I’m a good kisser and I have the pinball room in the back corner of the arcade place to thank for that.  I was often too scared to go back there though because usually it was the same slutbags.  It’s not okay to slut shame ever.  Sexuality & exploration is a natural part of ourselves.  But these girls were total (cough while pronouncing word) “slutbags”.  They never left.  They had oral herpes and interesting stories of how they got it.  Totally unbelievable stuff.  The best one was eating tainted monkey meat.  Don’t eat that tainted monkey meat guys.

Anyways this guy with a big cowboy hat on or something.  He started yelling at us a whole lot and stuff.  & I didn’t like it very much but didn’t mind it enough to leave either.  So I stayed there.  Then we did push-ups and we did a whole lot of those.  I thought this was to increase our appetite so the sandwich would taste better.  It turned out not to be that.  They handed us rifles and uniforms and I’m just like. This is quite the sandwich experience and I was writing home to my parents sometimes when they would let us about how I was going to be eating this great sandwich soon and it was a pretty prestigious thing and my country was proud. They didn’t let us write home much either and when they did we were often too tired to do that and just wanted to sleep.  But if you didn’t write home you would get yelled at some more or something.  Sometimes we’d go to the firing range and shoot and other times when we weren’t at the firing range shooting or doing push-ups or getting yelled at we would practice shooting inside on a simulator.  Sometimes when we weren’t able to shoot at the simulator we would split in to teams and pretend to shoot each other and point our rifles at each other and yell “Bang, bang bang”.  This totally sucked though because no one would die when you shot them and you’d say “You’re Dead!” and they’d say “No I’m not, you are” and we were all still five apparently.  Sometimes you would shoot people with paintballs or plastic bullet things and sometimes you’d laydown in a barracks on the hard tile that we had shined clean all the time and you’d shoot things on an old Nintendo Entertainment System (NES).  There was a rifle that plugged into the controller port and you’d just be shooting things all the time in every way imaginable.  Sometimes the guy with the cowboy hat would come into the room when everyone was sleeping real hard and they’d throw fireworks and wake us up all gently in that way and then ask us were we all dreaming of shooting people in our sleep? And I never was but if you said you wasn’t then you’d have to do push-ups and everyone would have to do push-ups so when he asked me what was I dreaming I’d always just go ahead and say of shooting people.  Even though I wasn’t.  I was just thinking about that sandwich really.  This had to of been the weirdest and longest line I had ever been in for a sandwich.

Anyways I put this NES cartridge in one time and it was this whole other game that was a lot more fun too at first, cause it was different.  It was called Star Guy Five.  What had happened I guess was some hippie activists that were into passive-resistance had designed this game that taught peace in violence conflicts and they had snuck it into the training room and now I was playing that, unawares.  It was just like the other shooting game but every time you tried to shoot the targets or enemies or whatever Star Guy Five would appear with this big flash of light that started with a star that flashes about five times blue and yellow from the center out to the edges of the screen and then disappeared leaving Star Guy Five on the scene.  Every time you tried to shoot a target or enemy it would just make you die and then it would say why or something.  Like this.  “You have just morally wounded yourself.  We are all connected.  By harming another you only really are harming yourself.”  Well it had about five hundred ways of saying this and that game got pretty boring after that.  But then something cool happened.

I was fighting in a war and we were killing people and I was yelling.  “When do I get my goddamn sandwich?” And people were looking at me really weird and I was like, they’re the weird ones.  Because that’s what you got to do when someone looks at your weird and disapproves of you, your only move is to socially disapprove of them even harder.  Life is sometimes very confusing.  Anyways, I’m getting really hungry here.  So I pray for this sandwich to get here already cause this is just ridiculous already and that’s when the whole sky blew up and this big sound wave blasted us and every one was quiet which was nice because most people talk to fill the air and to prove they are not horrible conversationalists which typically proves to be an irony.  I like to just keep it awkward and silent myself totally aware that I and probably everyone else is a horrible conversationalist but a good person deep down and I am totally okay with that and enjoy the peace and quiet of it all. The sand was everywhere like a sandstorm.  And out of that sandstorm walks this guy.  And he looks just like the guy from that videogame Star Guy Five.

So I said, “Are you that guy from that super sucky video game Star Guy Five cause that game was totally lame?”  And he goes “Yeah.  I’m that guy from that super lame game.  But I got something for you that you might think ain’t so lame.  So I said, “I highly doubt that.” and smirk with a laugh of slight arrogance. Then he reaches into this old A-team lunch pale and opens it up and he says, “I got one three meats & cheeses sandwich just ordered up with your name on it and I hear it’s pretty fucking good.”  He also said some stuff about time traveling and how the Nintendo Entertainment System wasn’t a video game entertainment system at all really but was in fact a personal matter transferring device to teleport biological and non-biological matter through space and time and that’s how he got here in fact.  Now I’m thinking he sounds like the girls with the herpes stories but keep listening anyhow, plus I like stories.  By the way I didn’t mention what he was wearing which isn’t very important to me but maybe it is to you cause you’re into fashion or just like descriptions so I’ll included that now.

He was wearing a jumpsuit like the kind an auto-mechanic might wear but this one was form fitted and he was buff as heck.  He especially had a nice butt.  Not that I care about that but to some people, it’s really important stuff.  The suit was flame retardant, silver with small blue and yellow glitter sparkles all through-out it so it shined in the sun like one of those large shiny motorcycle helmets from the 70’s.  There was a giant yellow and blue star on the back.  It was a patch his mom sewed on which makes it extra cool and gives it special powers.  obv.  The star was glossy like it was made out of latex or vinyl or something like that.  I asked him if he was hot in that suit.  He said no and that it had an internal air-conditioning unit that thermo-regulates his body temperature while also keeping records of his vitals and vitamin deficiencies.  I said, “Really?”  He replied “No. I’m just joking.  I’m sweating my F’ing balls off in here actually and am probably due for a heat stroke.”  I replied, “Oh, funny.  You had me for a second.” Then he said nothing in life is free.  So the sandwich would cost me.  And how about leaving this politically questionable dumb war I accidentally got involved in which really just represented the selfish and warring interest of my species that were never ending or changing to go fight a real battle to save his home planet where he desperately needed my help.  I asked if it was like the green lantern thing where they were searching out only the very best and most true to fight.  He replied no and that actually he just needed someone to carry his magical items around but it was still very important.  I replied, “I’m in.” & then I was in.  He was like “Ok good.  Lets Fuck some Bish’s up”.

He handed me the sandwich and I ate it.  He said we got to hurry up because his planet was dying.  He pulled out of another bag a 5” portable TV with carrying handle, an NES and an external power source.  Handed me over the rectangle NES controller that has been passed over from many hands in reluctance over the decades usually when someone dies and it’s the next persons turn and you don’t want to share but you have to or else your little brother or sister will yell and cry and then your parents will get in on the yelling action and it’s just really not worth it because you’re a conflict avoider so you pass that damn control over.  If the parents are home.  If not you just probably don’t share at all if you’re the oldest and can physically defend yourself from all sibling threats to the possibilities of death and you may even be tickled to fart on your siblings face too if their crying, whining and hitting starts to bother you and reduce your game playing experience.

He said it doesn’t hurt at all to transport and they had worked out all the kinks and all I had to do was enter the code with him and we’d appear on his home planet, Zork.  “By the way kid what’s your name he asked?” “My name I thought?  My name is Legend.”  “Ok Legend, repeat the code after me.  Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A.”  Instantly we were on this very strange planet.  It was night time.  There was a yellow and blue moon the shape of an actual star that was about five times in size as ours.  It was singing lightly and it sounded a bit sad like it was dying.  It was still totally majestic though. “Ok, take this bag Legend, we don’t have much time.”  I took the bag.  It was heavy.  I didn’t want to complain because I knew complainers don’t get anywhere in life and if you argue for your limitations you get to keep them.  So I carried that fucking heavy bag without complaining.  But deep inside of me, I was complaining like a little bitch.  Which is fine.  Cause no one could hear it.  He said basically here’s what’s happening.

“Basically here’s what’s happening Legend.  The planets runs on a ball of energy.  Well it’s two balls technically.  They call it the Super Balls and Super for short.  We got to get to the Super and take it back.  It’s been taken over by a species that works together with a collective consciousness that doesn’t really think but slowly takes over everything like a mold or virus. They are called, the Slutbag’s. They come in all colors but are mostly green and they look just like Q-Bert from the Atari game.  About 7 feet tall.  Three hundred pounds.  A giant sucker on their faces.  They Target their prey by heat activation and suck the life out of them leaving nothing but a skin suit while finding sustenance by drinking all the life juice out of everything.  We have to get to the Super and kill their queen.  Shebama-Mama.  He said also once we got there and killed the queen the plot and story line would clean up and get much better.  I asked, “Really?”  He replied, “Probably not.  I was just joking again.  But it would be nice and it could happen perhaps.  Nothing was worse than being stuck in a horrible plot and story line right.”  “Right”, I replied. (wave emoji)

“So basically here’s what we are going to do Legend.  I got to punch my way in to the queen, past these hordes of Slutbags.  Inside of the bag there is a mana-machine.  On it is a crank.  You have to keep cranking the wheel and producing mana while keeping a safe distance to me so my suit can be powered and I also need you to help me put on the weapon of all magical properties and awesomeness, known better as The Nintendo Power Glove.  I said, “Is this just a regular Nintendo Power Glove?”  “No, It’s completely different,” Five Star Guy replied. “This one has a badass Alf sticker on the side there”, as he pointed it out “and does a few different things too.  It’s hard to explain because it’s proprietary knowledge and very scientific and all.  But basically it’s programmed for all the Mortal Combat badass-combo moves”.  Also he said, my name is Steve.”  I asked did he want me to call him Steve or Star Guy Five? “Just call me Steve, because we’re becoming kind of friends now.  But if you refer to my feats or heroism, refer to me as Star Guy Five, so the legend lives on Legend.”  “Ok Steve.”

“Ok let’s go kill these bishes and Shebama-Mama and save my planet Legend!”  He powered up the glove and this beam shot out of it like those beams that move around in the sky from a Blockbuster Video and game rental store at nightime.  The Nintendo Power Glove had an electronic voice activated speaker built in that was the Speak and Spell voice.  It said, “Now you’re playing with power.” So we are going on this legendary adventure and Star Guy Five is just killing every slutbag in sight punching them in their giant face-sucker-holes and doing every combo move known to man, K.O. moves included and the gloves covered in slime and I’m just cranking on this mana machine like nothings ever been cranked on before (minus teenage boys discovering porn) and after a few hours and climbing up a mountain and into this dungeon lair.

We see the bright light shining from the Super and in front is this behemoth of a thing.  It speaks, “I know you were coming.  I am SheBama-Mama and you have no chance of taking the Super from my grasp.  For coming this far I shall reward you by sending you to your Makers.  Star guy replied, “What you don’t know SheBama-Mama, is while you were talking all that mad shit just now, Legend was shoving an anti-matter grenade up your over enlarged bunghole and it’s about to explode.  So Sayonara Sucker!”  Then Shebama-Mama yelled “No” with a look on her face that she knew she’d just recieved the last suppository she’d be recieving in a while and with that exploded and imploded into nothing.

“Thankyou for helping me save the planet Legend, I will send you back now on your quest.  Remember, being a hero isn’t just about saving planets, it’s about the small daily good habits we build over time, like brushing our teeth and flossing, and committing to an exercise and healthy eating plan, setting daily, weekly and monthly goals and recycling to save the planet for future generations and stuff like that.  It was an honor serving with you my friend.  I owe you now.  If you ever need my help, you can always call on me.”  He reached over his shoulder and removed the star from his back.  It had a built in old phone dial into it.  “Dial 867-5309 anytime you need me and I will appear.  Now my presence is needed in other places.  Thankyou my friend goodbye.”  With that he handed me the star-phone and evaporated singing the lyrics to the song Jenny by Tommy Tutone.  There was an old NES on a TV stand and I time Traveled my way back to my world.  I had the star phone and the mana machine and the Nintendo Power glove with me.  It was a good sandwich. I put the power glove on and threw my arm into the air and the speak and spell voice said, “Now you’re playing with power.” as the song, “I’ve got the Power” by Snap faded in.  There was this big star light show that started behind me and scene ends by dancing to song with ttly sick moves till song ends with a fade out. “You’ve got the Power.” appears and the credits roll.  (the end)

 

Thanks for reading.  Hope you enjoyed parts of Star Guy Five.  If you have the natural abillity and inclination to help with grammer, correct tenses, spelling or anything, advice and help is always appreicated so I may work to become a better writer.  Thanks again.

 

You’ve Got the Power.